DEMING LAWN – In a recent report from the office of Treeple Affairs, the Deming Tree’s death was determined to be stress brought on by last quarter’s finals week. Dr. Mike Oakton, the head mortreecian, said in his report, “Severe stress, apparently exam-related, ultimately did the tree in. Although comparable species of wood have failure strengths rated up to several gigapascals, it appears that the load of encroaching finals surpassed even this generous tolerance. We warn trees everywhere to be cautious about this issue, and to pay attention to the roots of their mental health through week three midterms. The process of botanical mental struggle translating to shear stress needs to be discussed openly. We need to bark it where it needs to be heard.”
Campus maintenance worker Fo T. Sythesis shed some light on the exact nature of the tree’s troubles. “We found a homework planner next to its roots, with its study schedule. Turns out that to pass TreeS 120, it needed a ninety-tree percent on the final, and it wasn’t confident it could score that well.” Evidently, the tree felt like it had been leaft behind in several classes and was struggling to catch up, and due to the pressure it snapped.
Students are devastated, “It was always so comforting,” said sophomore Ashley Woods. “Sometimes it felt like the Deming tree was looking out fir us. I mean, on a bad day, yew could always look up and think, ‘It could be worse- I could be that tree.’ But now we don’t even have that. Now I have to face finals alone.” Similar sentiments were voiced by most students, except one guy on Dattic, who said the view out his window was better now, the jerk. The bush next to the late tree could not be reached for comment.
At time of publishing, we do not know to whom the trees estate will be bequeathed, but it is assumed much of his net worth will go towards conifers for mental health.
