SPEED HALL — In a press release last Thursday, Rose-Hulman President Robert ‘Bobbly’ Coons told all campus students and faculty that the beloved 59-year-old Speed Hall was to be demolished and replaced with a brand-new state of the art residence hall. This new hall is to be named after famed Rose grad Ronald Acceleration. All current speed residents (known on campus as the “speedsters”, or “those rowdy freshmen”) would be moved into the Mussallem Union whose cafeteria will now be advertised as the best bed and breakfast on campus. This news was met with mixed views from students and faculty alike. Many worried that their campus was lowering itself to the standards of subpar institutions such as Purdue and whatever community college is in your hometown. One student, Cannonball Marinara, a former Speed resident, expressed his anguish stating that: “While having no AC sucked, it built character. It was my home, and it had unparalleled culture and atmosphere.” Another Student, physics major Luca S. Adams expressed excitement over what the replacement for Acceleration Hall would be in the future. Later in his address Coons revealed that Speed Hall would be used as the fuel for the homecoming bonfire in lieu of the usual railroad ties and pallets saying: “The bright fire will act as a guide finally giving freshmen and upperclassmen alike a direction towards the magnitude of success available to them.” This demolition will also cause some changes on campus, namely Speed Lake being renamed Percopo Pond, and Lakeside will be redubbed Pondside.
EDIT: It was later called into question whether one Ronald Acceleration ever actually graduated from Rose. When directly asked Robert Coons said not to question it while continuing to scroll through rhithole on Instagram.
