Health Service Worker Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks of Masking

THE UNION – Early morning on February 18th, Nurse Vicky (Vick) Seens walked out of her office and saw her shadow. With advisement from the CDC, Rose-Hulman health services have decided to take this sign as an indication to extend all mask mandates by another six weeks. The director of health services Dr. Fauchi Jr. commented on the announcement saying: “For years shadow-seeing has been a reliable quantified method for predicting events in the fields of meteorology, medicine, marine biology, and mathematics. The research clearly shows that we are taking the best action to keep our students safe, and although uncomfortable, the masks mean I don’t have to shave every day.” Students were unsurprised by the announcement, as mask wearing and not shaving has become second nature to most. It seems the only true effect of the announcement has been EIT logging an increase of pirated Bill Murray movies.